Birthday Weekend

I celebrated my 29th birthday this past Friday in the most adult way possible. I showed up to work late, had dinner with two of my best friends (and sister) and was in bed by 10:00 pm. A minor misunderstanding at work almost ruined this special day but dinner with friends made up for it.

Saturday night I went out with my best friends, and I felt 21 all over again. It's honestly how my 21st birthday should have been celebrated. Instead, I was in college and broke. The only reason I even turned up to my own birthday dinner is because I convinced my boyfriend, at the time, to pay for my meal. It's crazy how I can recall how I've spent every birthday in my twenties, and they just keep getting better and better.

Waiting for our tacos at 2:30 AM

Some call it "the birthday blues," but I usually get emotional around my birthday. I start to think about past regrets, future goals and all the current responsibilities that I just want to avoid. Some days are harder than others, especially when you have your entire family depending on you for financial and emotional support. Heck, there are there days I don't have the motivation to get out of bed. But I show up. I tell myself I gotta show up every day. For a while I use to believe I needed to have my life together by a certain age. I pretended I did. But as the years have gone by, I'm starting to embraced this "I don't have my sh*t together and what" mantra. This is not where I envision myself at 29 but it's far more than what I could have expected. I trust His timing and believe there's a bigger purpose to my life as the birthdays continue to pile on. So here's to being 29 and still trying to get it right. 

Updated 4/17/18 

Lots of contemplating

For the past couple of days I've been contemplating about work, future, friends, love, myself and just life in general. I see myself going through a personal transformation, not intentionally, but I guess the type of change life sort of puts you through as it goes on.

Work. Lately, I've been working longer hours. It doesn't bother me much, unless I've made plans with friends afterwards. I kind of bring this upon myself because I make myself too available. I'm always cleaning up the mess, crossing off ALL items on the checklist, making sure everyone's okay. Call me a mom but I guess that's what happens when you're the only female working in the office. I day dream a lot about my future job. This isn't it. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the opportunity to hold a position of authority. I'm working on being more self-assertive, voicing my opinions, multitasking and delegating assignments. It can be overwhelming sometimes but when the job gets done, I feel like a total badass! That's the part I enjoy the most and I guess is the reason why I don't mind staying way past closing hours. My intention is to learn as much as I can and obviously apply it to all my future jobs.

Goals. I can't wait to go back to school. I think about it every day, I really do. It's been way over due but if things go according to plan, I should be back by next year. The dilemma I'm facing now is should I finish my degree in business or go for something completely different? I say this because I would like to dive into a career that helps others. I can't envision myself in corporate america, selling products forever. I would like to hold a position where I counsel people, help them reach their full potential. Whether it's in the form of medical, financial or life advice, I want to help those less fortunate. I don't say this to sound like a saint, I really do want to consider social work as a potential career move. Aside from working on figuring out a career, I'm also focusing on training hard for a marathon. I signed up a few days ago for the Dallas Marathon on December 2014. I'll be running 26.2 miles, which sounds crazy right now! I need to find a good pair of shoes and a good training plan to get me through. I'll also be done paying off my car by the end of this year. I'm so excited for 2015!

Friends. In the last few months, new friends have come into my life. The type of friends I pray I'll have forever. It's kind of bittersweet at the same time because I sense my old friends, childhood/high school friends, may feel I'm neglecting them. I've never been the type of person to burn bridges and hold grudges. I never want any of my friends to feel or get the impression they are not important. I love my friends and lately I've been feeling like a shitty friend.

Love. Nothing new here (LOL) I've been asked out on a couple of dates, but I haven't been too interested. I'm seriously the most awkward flirt. I have many personal affairs I want to take care of and a boyfriend is just not a priority. I do get lonely sometimes, but that's it. I don't want to get into a relationship because I'm lonely. People require attention. It would be selfish to jump into a relationship, that I can't make time for. But I can't slack off because I'm single. This lonely-phase is a time for preparation. What I mean by that is I need to work on myself, emotionally, physically, pick up a hobby, learn how to cook, etc. So when that special person comes along, I want be special to him.

Myself. One of the biggest changes in my life has been spiritual. I've been reaching out to God and praying for guidance. I've reading the bible every other day and I'm learning how to pray. It has given me a sense of peace that I've never experienced before. I'm getting a better understanding of who I am, what I like, what I don't like, etc. This will be a lifetime journey and I pray He leads me to my purpose in this life.

6/28: Hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I intended to answer questions from my 28 Things Challenge one day at a time, for the entire month of February. Obviously, it did not go as planned due to my busy work schedule. I will continue to answer each question but at my own pace. So please be patient, thank you. 

28 Things Challenge

Life has a way of throwing you curve balls every now and then. I've had my share, including the death of my stepfather when I was 11 years old. His passing was so sudden and unexpected that I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. Something that I still struggle with till this day.

But while that was tough, nothing can compare to a time in my life when I felt so helpless. What should of been an exciting time of self-discovery and meeting new people, was also my lowest point.

It all happened a few years back when I was in college. From the start, I hated my major. I hated my classes. The only real reason I was even there was because it was the perfect opportunity to finally runaway from home. I was very shy, so making new friends didn't come easy. I met a couple of people through various organizations, but deep down I felt so alone. After a series of self-esteem issues, financial hardships and break-ups, I began to develop negative feeling about myself. 

Things only got worse when I moved off campus. I isolated myself even more and soon turned those negative feelings into anger. I valued my self-worth by those who loved me and I didn't love myself. In fact, I hated myself. I was such a negative person, nobody wanted to be around me. That was just the type of energy I brought along. This anger soon turned into a serious of violent behavior.

I was so ashamed of my actions that I couldn't anyone about this. So one afternoon, I walked over to the school's counseling center and spend hours telling this complete stranger everything I was too embarrassed to admit to myself. I was finally exposed and I felt so relieved. 

After months of counseling sessions, my energy, confidence and attitude about life began to change. I picked up running again and finished my first half-marathon. Sadly by that time I was already in a financial mess that I had to put school on hold.

It's been three years since I moved back home and it's not always been easy. At first, it was frustrating to feel like I was making progress but not fast enough. I was no longer on track of my "five year plan" that I had after high school. 

But these past few months, I've been experiencing something amazing. I've had new people come into my life along with new opportunities and adventures. I'm learning something new about myself everyday. I'm starting to finally embrace the person that I'm becoming. As of right now, I'm not where I want to be, but I'm very thankful that I'm not where I use to be. I'm taking this time as an opportunity to get back to the drawing board and writing my new plan in life. Because at the end of the day, I just have to be the best version of myself.  

I'm not a super awesome writer so hopefully I got my message across. Thank you for reading!

Pick a random question and submit your answer in the comment box, You can remain anonymous.

The Finish Line

There's a sense of tranquility that occurs during a run. A therapeutic state of mind, almost impossible to replicate.

earlier during my run.

For the past few weeks, I've been contemplating about my purpose in life. There are days I feel trapped. Other days I feel like I've lost all sense of direction. And as each day passes me by, I feel even further behind with my goals. What am I doing? Where am I going? Is this where I should be? Is this good enough? Question after question and yet no where near an answer. 

You see this is all new to me. When I was in a committed relationship, I was quick to share these concerns with my partner. He had a way with words, always there to rescue my thoughts. Well it's different now. He's gone and here I am, lost. All left to answer them on my own.

So while out on my run today, I began to explore the thought of running as a metaphor for life. Just like there are good days and bad days, today I had a good run. The weather was impeccable, better than the last time I paid a visit.

very icy ground during my last run.

Around mile 3, I started to get sharps pain in my legs, there was no choice but to walk it off. But soon, I went back to running. Thankfully there were no hills today, a runners nightmare. Hills are the devil working against you ha ha ha! No seriously, out of your comfort zone and their sole purpose it to make you crawl your way to the top. Let's not even mention injuries, talk about setbacks. Sometimes it can take days, months, years to recover and getting back in the game is just as tough. But isn't this how life works? With bumps and bruises along the road, one must keep moving forward.

The thought of running as a metaphor for life was reinforced for a race. Some runners show up with months of training invested. While others arrive less prepared, regretting their lack of discipline. Reasons for participation may vary. Checking off a bucket list, reaching a fitness goal, running for a cause. Then there are the experienced runners in pursuit of a personal record, maybe even aiming for a spot at the Boston Marathon. As for me, I do it for pure pleasure. 

Although I still don't know my purpose in life, I'm okay with that. We're in different stages in our lives. Running at different paces. Some will be guided through out their journey, while others will find themselves running in the dark or maybe even in circles. Some will find themselves unable to keep up and walk instead. The truth is we're all part of the biggest race: life. With the ultimate quest of reaching our personal "finish line."

I can go on and on but it's getting late. I hope I did a good job putting my thoughts together. Lord know's I'm no writer. Thanks for visiting!

Carla